Author Topic: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!  (Read 1844 times)

Writer Arena

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Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« on: September 21, 2013, 08:25:20 PM »
Congrats to the logline high scorers!  And a great job to everyone else that entered. 

The logline that will be used for the next challenge is brought to us by LC. 

A hit and run driver, consumed with guilt, starts to exhibit the same injuries as his victim.

I'll be opening a thread for that challenge tomorrow so ask any questions in the actual challenge thread.

This was an interesting challenge and hopefully we all learned something about how to write loglines that sell.  Here's a list of who wrote what in score order...

10.3%LCA hit and run driver, consumed with guilt, starts to exhibit the same injuries as his victim.
7.7%Reef DreamerWhilst recovering in an army hospital a troubled soldier, who has lost a hand in battle,
wakes up to find messages in his diary telling him that a patient on his ward now
possesses it.
6.4%Darren SeeleyAfter they are exposed to a toxic spill, two people attempt to find aid as their bodies decompose.
5.1%LCA post-mortem portrait photographer in the Victorian era discovers taking pictures of the dead is hazardous to his own health.
5.1%Darren SeeleyA underpaid morgue attendant finds a batch of cadavers with missing limbs, and one stitched up body has them all. She just needs a heart.
5.1%Darren SeeleyIn an act of self defense, a woman severs the hands of her stalker. Locked up, he boasts he will finish the job. But how?
5.1%SteveMTormented by nightmare visions, a man sets out to recover his missing limb.
3.8%Jeremiah JohnsonA grateful woman gets an experimental eye replacement, but now she sees more than she wants to
3.8%LCA lonely man believing himself too ugly to attract a girlfriend purchases a 'Real Doll' on the Internet only to discover that she may in fact be more real than he ever imagined, leading to him questioning his own grip on reality.
3.8%LCA young man with a gambling problem volunteers to participate in a drug-trial for some quick cash, only to learn a quick fix can often lead to shocking side-effects.
3.8%AlexAn evil granny collects arms and legs from a funeral home in order to fulfill her life time fantasy.
3.8%AlexAn extroverted New Yorker, collect multi-shades of human skin in order to keep up with the latest fashion.
2.6%Darren SeeleyA killer is certain that there are no witnesses left alive. Why, then, is he concerned about the human skull decoration watching him?
2.6%denamckinnonA mild-mannered counselor struggles with bizarre personality changes and increasingly violent episodes after receiving a routine corneal transplant.
2.6%Dave TroopAfter a routine face lift, an egotistical actress awakens in the Beverly Hills torture chamber of a sadistic plastic surgeon.
2.6%SteveMAn ambitious medical student gets more than he bargained for when he stumbles on the true purpose of the human appendix.
2.6%Reef DreamerDuring a poorly attended service, the clergyman of a neglected church on the verge of
closure receives a message from god that his beloved church can be saved, but if only he
selects a member of the congregation for beheading.
2.6%LCOn a business trip to an exotic country a philandering husband deciding to sample some of the local culture, inadvertently passes a parasite onto his wife. Saving their relationship may be one thing, saving their lives quite another.
2.6%AlexPutting your hand in the cutouts of this giant Halloween pumpkin may be a huge mistake. Is it a candle within? Or does this light a gateway to a much darker place.
2.6%LCWe all know that old adage: 'don't pick it'. A young boy discovers what happens when he just can't stop picking at the scab on his leg, and that it really does pay to follow doctor's orders.
2.6%Reef DreamerWhen an ambitious journalist tracks down the bunker of a serial killer, he soon
questions why he is there after he discovers that his birth mark has an unusual
resemblance to the killer's victims.
1.3%MainShaneA bored jet setter is trying to amass the world’s foremost collection of perfect female body parts, but is hypnotised by his latest prey’s exquisite lips.
1.3%Dave TroopA homicide detective awakens from a five-year-long coma and comes face to face with the criminal who shot him and left him for dead - his new son-in-law.
1.3%SteveMA newly appointed zoo keeper discovers the animals in her charge are being kept with much more than their conservation in mind.
1.3%MainShaneA peeping tom who spys on his victims by way of a removable eye he leaves behind him is about to get more than he bargained for.
1.3%AlexA possessed wheelchair containing an eccentric elderly man, goes on a rampage in the supermarket of life, to collect arms for those in need.
1.3%Reef DreamerAlone in the mortuary, a technician is shocked to discover that after removing the heart
from a dead body, it is still beating. But soon that's the least of his problems.
1.3%Darren SeeleyAn astronaut's wife finds herself literally glued to her love in a warm embrace.
1.3%LCFollowing routine eye surgery, a woman discovers she has the ability to predict other people's deaths and the manner in which they will  die.
1.3%MainShaneOnce a year a respectable school principal prepares her old family recipe: scrotum stew. And that day is here…
1.3%LCWhat would you give for a million dollars, your right arm, your left leg, your eye-tooth? Desperate to keep her family afloat a woman  has just been offered a way out of her financial woes, but at what cost?
0%Jeremiah JohnsonA facelift gives an older woman a second chance on life, or is it a first chance at death?
0%AlexA hand rising from the depths of a public toilet rips the testicles of all that cover its seats.
0%SteveMA lonely lighthouse keeper finds more than his soul at stake when he makes a pact with the Devil.
0%Jeremiah JohnsonA man gets an artifical heart, but a hidden virus built in tries to change a good man to bad.
0%MoA young soul - with no memory of his prior life or identity - struggles to find his original self after he develops an inhuman ability to 'jump' into anybody's body and control them.
0%SteveMAfter a night of drunken debauchery a carefree stripper wakes to find his most prized asset has taken on a life of its own...
0%Jeremiah JohnsonAn amputee gets a new experimental arm, but can he hold on long enough before it kills him?
0%AlexAn eccentric millionaire concocts a plan to grow human body parts on the backs of pigs. A noble contribution to medical advancements though his intentions are far from noble.
0%Dave TroopAn environmental scientist rushes to develop a new breed of super bee to save the world from starvation. However, after a lab accident, he is stung by a deadly mutant bee and his penis transforms into a lethal stinger.
0%Reef DreamerDuring an illegal trade in transplant organs, the parties soon realise that the organs are
communicating with each other, and they don't like being sold.
0%MoIn the search for truth, a scientist struggles to break out of a vicious cycle as he's forced into the minds of his murdered wife's family after an experiment gone wrong.
0%AlexIn the year 2215, parking has become a premium commodity. Don't park in someone's spot unless you have the balls for it.
0%AlexThe year is 2069 and the human race has evolved to the extent where arms and legs have become superfluous.
0%KhamannaTo stay with the man she loves the dark-haired mermaid (the little mermaid's sister) trades an eye for a knife as she has to get rid of her controlling father before he finishes building a mermaid tower from which there's no escape.
0%Reef DreamerWhen a top genetics scientist discovers a growth on his wrist he is shocked to see it
grow so fast. But that's nothing compared to when it bursts open to reveal a human mouth
that tells him to do 'bad' things.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2013, 08:37:22 PM by Writer Arena »

Reef Dreamer

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2013, 08:53:51 PM »
Well done LC and thanks Michael that was a simple, yet useful challenge.

Which ones did Babz like?

Now, I'll have to think about this logline, see what I can conjure. Up, but will wait until the exact challenge is revealled.

Cheers

Writer Arena

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2013, 09:06:13 PM »
Which ones did Babz like?

Babz picks were....

1 - A man gets an artificial heart, but a hidden virus built in tries to change a good man to bad. 

2- Tormented by nightmare visions, a man sets out to recover his missing limb.

3- A lonely lighthouse keeper finds more than his soul at stake when he makes a pact with the Devil.

4- Whilst recovering in an army hospital a troubled soldier, who has lost a hand in battle, wakes up to find messages in his diary telling him that a patient on his ward now possesses it.

5- A post-mortem portrait photographer in the Victorian era discovers taking pictures of the dead is hazardous to his own health. 

Babz said:

I LIKED 1 AND 2 SO MUCH THEY REALLY DID TIE FOR ME. I wanted to KNOW MORE that is what I used for each of these; TELL ME MORE was my litmus test.


Khamanna

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2013, 11:29:36 PM »
Congrats LC, Bill and Darren! I see why people liked them - nice job.

Man, Darren and Alex are productive...

LC

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2013, 12:59:01 AM »
Hey, thanks guys.  :)

My favourite was Darren's:

In an act of self defense, a woman severs the hands of her stalker. Locked up, he boasts he will finish the job. But how?

If you write this one Darren, I'll very much look forward to reading it.

Darren Seeley

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2013, 01:20:51 AM »
Aside from the winning entry (nice job, LC) I do intend to write a few of mine down the road. Again, it's possible that the loglines could change but they will be there in essence.

The one about the astronaut's wife - what I had in mind was something like 'Slither', 'The Thing' or 'From Beyond'. Where an alien parasite fuses two bodies together. I was really reaching for that one.




Daniel Botha

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2013, 08:25:56 AM »
Well done, LC! Great to see you taking one away.

To everyone who entered, it was a hard challenge to vote for. I had trouble picking my five votes. Onto the next challenge!

Dan

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2013, 11:21:27 AM »
Good job, LC, voted for that one, as well as a few others that didn't get many votes. Oh well, I think I have a good way of going about writing the script though.

Jeremiah Johnson

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2013, 12:00:32 PM »
I will definately be writing one from the winner, but also am going to write my favorite that I came up with.  It was the first one I thought of and already had some idea of a story for it.  Hope I can do it justice, especially since Babz picked it first!!  No pressure... right?  Thanks, Babz.

SteveM

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2013, 01:40:49 AM »
Congrats Libby -- that was in my top 5. 

Thought the 'scab picking' log would place better, that one stood out to me -- think there's a lot of fun to be had with that idea.

Steve.

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2013, 10:50:03 AM »
Man, Darren and Alex are productive...

Hey K,
Mine was a matter of quantity rather than quality. I think I knocked out 8 logs in one hour.
Never intended to do well as I just wanted to be involved.

I have been to friggin' busy with rewrites on "Golden Spoon".

Libby Congrats, I'm stoked for ya girl !!!!!!

Disappointed that my hand coming out of o toilet wasn't liked... was it horror ? I think so. I could feel the pain of those testicles being ripped off, every time I read it. Hee Hee... Have to admit it was done as a bit of a joke though !!!!

Also well done all that entered.

Alex
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Darren Seeley

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2013, 12:53:38 PM »

Disappointed that my hand coming out of o toilet wasn't liked... was it horror ? I think so. I could feel the pain of those testicles being ripped off, every time I read it. Hee Hee... Have to admit it was done as a bit of a joke though !!!!

Alex

Good job at rolling the dice on the logs, though.
 Where something can be done as horror-comedy or horror with coffin humor isn't an issue. Could it be done as just horror? Yes, I suppose that's also true.
As you know, I didn't care for the logline. Everything's over said and done so I guess I can break it down as to why this logline doesn't work. (BTW, I hope you write your script from the pumpkin logline - that was one of your better ones)


****WARNING**** Nastiness ahead*****

A hand rising from the depths of a public toilet rips the testicles of all that covers its seats.

I highlighted the problem areas. Now think about it. Does the [demon] hand rise after some guy sits on the commode or before? The logline suggests "after". The hand is hidden down the hole. So a dude puts the paper down on the rim (or maybe he doesn't- this is what ticks off the hand?)  drops pants and sits on the ringer.

So our first visual (or one of the first) is a guy on the commode. Maybe a second visual is the warning signs (bathroom graffiti) "Make it quick" or "Don't read this too long or you'll wind up short"...

Stupid question time. When a guy is on the commode, what is he doing or about to do? So we can also understand what the [demonic] hand's motivation is. Sometimes the...um..."actions" do follow one another.  However, we also have to show that hand rising from the " lake" .so we might also see golden streams and brown logs.

 ???

So here's the hand covered in...stuff...rips off the dude's duds. Man screams like a little girl (perhaps literally now, considering) Blood shoots everywhere. When the man gets his ass of the seat, the automatic flush activates. The real horror isn't that he just lost his duds, but he also lost his shit.

 ;D

Y'lnow I'm kidding around with you.  ;D
On second thought...I guess if you really wanted disgusting, my breakdown summary isn't....that bad...?

Now imagine at least thirty people writing it!







Alex

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2013, 01:47:05 PM »
(BTW, I hope you write your script from the pumpkin logline - that was one of your better ones)

The jury is out on that one though I did write it with the US readers in mind. Everyone likes Halloween though I'm and Aussie !!!! Really not sure if I'll get the time even though it does allow the story to go in any direction.



****WARNING**** Nastiness ahead*****

A hand rising from the depths of a public toilet rips the testicles of all that covers its seats.

I highlighted the problem areas. Now think about it. Does the [demon] hand rise after some guy sits on the commode or before? The logline suggests "after". The hand is hidden down the hole. So a dude puts the paper down on the rim (or maybe he doesn't- this is what ticks off the hand?)  drops pants and sits on the ringer.

So our first visual (or one of the first) is a guy on the commode. Maybe a second visual is the warning signs (bathroom graffiti) "Make it quick" or "Don't read this too long or you'll wind up short"...

My thoughts with this one was, a woman who had been murdered and was bitter against MEN, takes out her revenge against them.

Maybe the first visual : A woman copping the brunt of an abusive husband or partner. Her responses outrages him and leads to her demise !!!!!

This did feel like it gave some opportunity for a bit of backstory and then moving onto the horror and maybe an interesting turn of events and as a male I can probably feel the pain more than the opposite sex.


Stupid question time. When a guy is on the commode, what is he doing or about to do? So we can also understand what the [demonic] hand's motivation is. Sometimes the...um..."actions" do follow one another.  However, we also have to show that hand rising from the " lake" .so we might also see golden streams and brown logs.

My thought were that a guys plonks his ass on the toilet, goes about his business (Truly goes about his business) and pain wipes across his face as he struggles to get free. Once up, blood can be seen running down both his legs, as the hand pulls its way back into the toilet and disappears with his jewels.

So here's the hand covered in...stuff...rips off the dude's duds. Man screams like a little girl (perhaps literally now, considering) Blood shoots everywhere. When the man gets his ass of the seat, the automatic flush activates. The real horror isn't that he just lost his duds, but he also lost his shit.

 ;D

Y'lnow I'm kidding around with you.  ;D
On second thought...I guess if you really wanted disgusting, my breakdown summary isn't....that bad...?

Now imagine at least thirty people writing it!

Yes... It would be a painful read for the guys who would all be cross legged and I'm Sure a smirk or two from the female readers.

Take it with a pinch of salt Darren, though it did get your attention !!!!
« Last Edit: September 23, 2013, 01:54:32 PM by Alex »
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Nybabz

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2013, 03:28:46 AM »
that was fun, thanks for including me. bb

Nybabz

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Re: Writing Challenge #5 - Congrats!
« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2013, 03:31:52 AM »
Hey, thanks guys.  :)

My favourite was Darren's:

In an act of self defense, a woman severs the hands of her stalker. Locked up, he boasts he will finish the job. But how?

If you write this one Darren, I'll very much look forward to reading it.
ME TOO!