Author Topic: WC11 - The Rain God  (Read 415 times)

Writer Arena

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WC11 - The Rain God
« on: August 09, 2014, 09:48:27 AM »
The Rain God by Nine

An observant, young mosquito saves his village from drought by becoming one with The Rain God.

Reef Dreamer

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Re: WC11 - The Rain God
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2014, 04:55:33 AM »
I enjoyed this one.

The banter was good, the moral strong and backed up by an interesting fact - I assume it's true. Decent payoff.

It would also suit animation.

I was occasionally lost a little with the other bugs and a few of the actions but in general this is a quality script.

Well done.

Gregory Flothe

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Re: WC11 - The Rain God
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2014, 05:33:24 AM »
'orange pallet sky'? I don't think you meant a wooden pallet. 'palled' perhaps? But that is a dark covering. How about pale orange?

Does the sun literally 'pull itself out of the swamp'? A little too flowery unless it goes PLOP out of the muck.

Top page 5 - MAZEY should be fully capitalized the first time.

Page 6 after flashback - And we had good rains... (underline instead of italics, the reason being that after many photocopies, italics morphs into regular type)

Top page 9 - 'punch and remove a large section...'  (not 'punch a remove...')

Mid page 10 - Chief Elder - "And I'll tell you what he said." (underline instead of italics)

Page 11 - Does the Narrator actually swat Jarvis? He rides a pterodactyl later? Needs a rethinking there.

A fun and cute script. Well executed and a good candidate for animation.

Alex

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Re: WC11 - The Rain God
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2014, 12:56:43 PM »
Thanks at getting this done and submitted. I feel you may have 2 entries in this challenge !!!

The other being Drr and Grrd's adventure. How do I know that ??? you used the word KERPLUNK in both
and this in not a common word.

I would recommend a copyright clause just incase someone takes this up.

Just a few minor things:-
Avoid using Italic !!!
Lines like "Panning around we see..." and "Comes into frame" just don't work. Avoid direction.
Turn of the (cont'd) it does get annoying.
"CLOSE ON THE TRICERATOPS' SWAYING RUMP" didn't work for me.
Watch lines like "but looks can fool" It's not filmable.
Avoid using action lines like "his mother and father" do it in the dialogue instead "Hey Dad, what do you mean"
"which he waves about to CHEERS." read a touch awkward to me.

"The village mosquitoes converge at the base of the mud dauber nest right at dawn" you have a slug just before this saying "-DAY" why not just make it DAWN and simplify the action line.

FADE OUT needs a stop at the end.

This is a great little story and I really enjoyed the read. It did have an animated feel and had a "Antz" feel to it.

The dialogue was good, the action lines needed a little work though nothing substantial. The storyline was good, crisp and interesting and the Payoff worked.

Great Job.






« Last Edit: August 14, 2014, 01:15:02 PM by Alex »
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Dave Troop

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Re: WC11 - The Rain God
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2014, 09:02:19 AM »
I liked this one.  It read and felt like an animated film from the Fade In.   In the vein of Antz and A Bug's Life.
Even the descriptions were cute and playful.
I enjoyed the dialogue, especially the Chief's Porky Pig like stammer.
The story was very good. 
Easily a contender. 
Very good work.

Reef Dreamer

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Re: WC11 - The Rain God
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2014, 06:29:25 AM »
Great script - worthy winner

Well done

wkmccain

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Re: WC11 - The Rain God
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2014, 11:17:35 AM »
I really appreciate the compliments and the constructive feedback. Thank you!

Alex

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Re: WC11 - The Rain God
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2014, 05:44:41 PM »
Well done Wiley.

I hope the prize comes in handy for you and you really should consider developing this script into a feature.

Alex
« Last Edit: August 22, 2014, 06:44:04 PM by Alex »
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It takes 15 years to be an "Overnight Success"

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