Author Topic: WC10 - Lyssa's Child  (Read 392 times)

Writer Arena

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WC10 - Lyssa's Child
« on: May 22, 2014, 03:21:39 PM »
Lyssa's Child by Stevem             

A teenager must babysit his toddler brother who has amazing pre-K Houdini-like skills.


« Last Edit: August 07, 2014, 08:14:28 PM by Writer Arena »

denamckinnon

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Re: WC10 - Lyssa's Child
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2014, 06:48:27 AM »
I like this title too!

The dialogue ...Duncan’s in particular seems a bit unnatural. I guess it’s his dialogue so it can sound that way but it almost sounds too staccato-ish IMO.

Is Runrig a dog?

The flashbacks(if they were flashbacks) were confusing to me. They were flashbacks right?

Who is Ally? And what does she have to do with Lissa? Is Lissa short for Allison? Confusing to me.

After reading this thing, I don’t really get the title or the logline completely. I am confused. Angers? There needs to be more fleshed out here. With a litte this story could be a lot better I think. The camera descriptions confused me further at the end ...I wasn’t sure if we were watching found footage or what. Good effort. 

Darren Seeley

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Re: WC10 - Lyssa's Child
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2014, 10:17:42 AM »
An interesting read overall, but Duncan's dialect and sppech pattern took a toll on me reading. I'm not a huge fan of that style of dialog writing. Never have been. It rends to make me slow down and read dialog over a few times to make sure I get what is being said and/or attempt to be forgiving at intentional spelling errors due to phonetics. Might as well tell the actor how to act.

Note: at one time Duncan uses "bloody" as an adjective. This confused me. I had assumed that he was southern with minimal education. Not British,

Khamanna

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Re: WC10 - Lyssa's Child
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2014, 08:59:17 PM »
I checked the other comments and.. I actually liked Duncan and fell in love with his speech. I could definitely hear him say that stuff.

But I do have two grumps:
The VO is kind of inconsistent. He starts talking outloud but then goes to a complete VO.

The second one - I'm in the dark regarding his secret. It's supposed to a twist, but I have no idea what ails him.

Also, I liked the part about his mother. That was touching.

SteveM

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Re: WC10 - Lyssa's Child
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2014, 06:24:20 PM »
Apologies for the late reply.  Thanks guys for reading and commenting.

To give you an idea of where I’m coming from with this I remember seeing a homeless guy shadow boxing in the street.  What struck me the most was that he seemed to be losing.  It was all very real to him and that’s where I was coming from with Duncan -- only in his case he really is a victim of some unknown malign force.   

There was a lot of backstory to get across for the page count so I figured it would work better as a docu-drama.  Ally was originally just ‘Interviewer’ but I changed it at the last minute -- she’s little bearing on the story, just serves as a device to get Duncan’s story across.  Because of the documentary style I wasn’t sure whether to label some scenes as flashbacks -- thought it might be more confusing.  Any thoughts on that appreciated.  Again the same for the V.O -- the story jumps back and forth between the interview at Ally’s house and following Duncan around with the interview dialogue playing throughout.

As to the dialogue I completely agree on the staccato thing -- I never noticed how stilted it read until it was pointed out. 

The title was a last minute thing -- Lyssa was the Greek goddess of madness and rage -- it’s obscure but felt like a fit.   

And yes, Runrig’s a dog.   :)

thanks again,

Steve.