Poll

Which script do you think best fit the challenge criteria?

The Devil Went Down To Georgia
5 (62.5%)
Polly
2 (25%)
The Final Cut
1 (12.5%)

Total Members Voted: 8

Voting closed: January 31, 2014, 10:12:33 PM

Author Topic: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote  (Read 1218 times)

Writer Arena

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WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« on: January 26, 2014, 10:12:33 PM »
The challenge was to:

  • It must be based on a story song. Either one from the list above or if you have a favourite that isn't on the list then use that one.
  • You should use at least some of the lyrics for dialogue.
  • It can be as many or as few pages as you need.

Small turnout this time. The entries are:

The Devil Went Down To Georgia - Low on his quota, Faust challenges a talented musician to a duel. If Johnny wins, he gets a golden violin. If he loses the cost is his soul.
Polly - James is desperate to save Katie and make her fall in-love with him.
The Final Cut - A stoical couple visit an army barracks on an important day.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2014, 10:16:32 PM by Writer Arena »

Reef Dreamer

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2014, 02:24:32 AM »
Devil went down

I kind of remember a song with this story. Nice choice.

Some good visuals and a decent twist. Probably could do with a tidy up, but that's to be expected.

You had a choice, does Johnny (1) know it's the devil because he waiting for him, but we don't know that or, (2) he doesn't know and learns as he goes along, spots the golden violin and realises or (3) he does know and we get a glimpse he knows, been awaiting him etc

The reason being that, unless I missed something, we don't get any connection with the brother until the end. Did I miss a foreshadowing?

If he knew it was the devil from the beginning it would have foreshadowed the ending that it wasn't just circumstance. Maybe he could have asked about the golden violin, persuaded they devil to produce it. At first we think cos it's gold and will make him rich, maybe that what's he tells the devil. We then find out why at the end and he isn't like that.

Lots of choices

Nice work.

Cheers



Reef Dreamer

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2014, 03:05:01 AM »
Polly

Ok, a few format issues. Don't get too bothered by these but they are worth knowing. So as we go...

Fade in normally goes on the left
Page numbers start on the first page of writing not the title and usually start at 2
It is night, rather than night time
Use POV if special. If he's standing in the alley and a girl approaches, you can just say that. Ie at the other end a girl approaches
Some days later in the slug don't tell the audience much. If you need to state this try a SUPER under the slug as this is what will appear on the screen letting the audience know
House - hall , probably better as INT- JAMES HOUSE - HALL - DAY
No real need for JAMES POV and back to scene
Blow touch out of a macaroni box - how does that work
If you need to show a pause in dialogue you can use BEAT within the dialogue or ... To show a pause

Ok, finished. That's a dark tale. Was the song really like that? Wow.

I thought you did well with James. He wasn't a pleasant chap and clearly disturbed. The girl seemed to say a few things which didn't seem to accord with her predictament.

The girl is trapped, a prisoner and abused. Very horrific. She tries to befriend him to secure her escape, initially fails but then has a stroke of luck. I think it just needs a little more twist and a sense of irony to finish this off.

All the best



Darren Seeley

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2014, 10:04:19 AM »
Polly

Quote

EXT. GARAGE SOME DAY'S LATER
The slug is all wrong. First of all, the scene narrative suggests INT.
second, DAY or NIGHT will suffice. If you must, SUPER : TWO DAYS LATER after the slug. You have other slugs like this throughout.

Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Not sure why there's a "." after character slugs.
THE END isn't needed. FADE OUT takes care of that.

Good choice of song. Inspired by real event too. One short where in later times where one can excise the Polly references and make it your own. That said, I'm not into torture scripts. Writing could have been better though



Khamanna

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2014, 09:19:10 PM »
Polly

As a stand alone entry it was kind of funny and the comedy (I'd call it extreme comedy because it did make me laugh outloud) didn't mix with the drama the dark side of it for me for some reason.
I don't know how to amend it - so no useful suggestions from me. Maybe make it funnier, almost comical - so we know for sure that it's extremely over the top... And less graphic perhaps to go along with this type of comedy.

You made me listen to the song - that's good. I liked your James.

Dave Troop

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2014, 08:53:49 AM »
Devil Went Down to Georgia

This is a country music standard and a good choice.  Everyone in the USA knows this song through radio or muzak osmosis.

You added the part about the devil taking Johnny's brother's soul and violin.  So Johnny is setting a trap for Faust to win back his brother's fiddle?

You used the most famous line in your dialogue, but there are numerous lyrics you could have used in your descriptions. 
I remember the part about the band of demons and you included them.  Also, I think there was a tree stump in the song.

There may not be enough foreshadowing or references to Johnny's brother to make the ending clear cut.

Also, noticed the choppiness in your descriptions.  Lots of periods.  Short sentences.  Were you doing this for effect, or is this your writing style?
Not deducting points.  Just curious.

Overall, pretty good. 

Thanks for entering.



Dave Troop

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2014, 10:20:35 AM »
Polly

It's hard to get the whole story from just the lyrics to Polly.
Based on a tragic true story of a young girl who was kidnapped after a punk rock concert, raped, and held captive. 

You were pretty true to the story.  You were able to include many of the lyrics, so great job there.

I did have some issues with the formatting.  Bill and Darren touched on some of it. 
Also, some grammar mistakes.
Some of the dialogue is very strange.

Overall,  a dark and disturbing script, which fits the dark and disturbing song nicely.

Thanks for entering.

Dave Troop

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2014, 11:12:52 AM »
The Final Cut

You had a different approach to the challenge. 
This appears to be a script to a music video. 

IMO this is more difficult to pull off.  You have many good visuals that sync with the lyrics to the song "Southhampton Dock."
The narrator would be Roger Waters?  And I assume the dialogue here is sung, not spoken?

Seems like you sat and listened repeatedly to the song in your headphones and let the images fill your head. 

Very well written.  As I said, some very nice visuals.  A family sends their son off to war, then visits his grave. 
A straight foreward interpretation.  The descriptions fit the lyrics and the music.

Overall, some impressive writing skills and good imagery set to a lovely, sad song.

Keilz

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2014, 04:12:40 PM »
I really enjoyed reading "Polly", interesting take on the Nirvana track which was an actual true story. Quirky humour, loved the mention of Kraft macaroni and cheese, as this was Kurt (Cobaine's) favourite meal. Well done!!

Khamanna

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2014, 09:20:24 PM »
Read The Devil Went Down to Georgia and really liked it.

The dialog could be tightened perhaps a very tiny bit but what's the use to say it when you wrote this piece in a matter of days - I mean you already know that perhaps.
Nice short that stands on its own. Could make a nice cartoon perhaps.
And I liked the ending.
Will listen to the song now.

Danny

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2014, 12:59:55 AM »
THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA
I thoroughly liked this from start to finish.I had no problem visualizing the scenes or the characters. It was tidy, simple and very well written. I did get get the idea that there is more to this story. That the brother was the original owner of the violin. Also liked the fact that Johnny ignored the sexy woman who his trying to distract him while he is playing, great metaphor for the discipline of a great musician and things he or she must ignore to get where they're going. Also the most important bit for me was the rabbit that turns to road kill as Faust walks past it. This set up the character and the story and it was subtlety placed. ;D
When I listened to the song after-would it was as-if the song had been written about, or based on the screenplay.
Thank you very much.

Danny

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2014, 02:35:25 AM »
THE FINAL CUT

A very well written short depicting a family that seem to have inherited war in both generations. Narrated along the way we are shown clearly about  Helen's pain, due to the loss of their son and the torment that their remaining child is also serving in the armed forces.
I thought we get an in-depth glimpse of Dave, an ex solider who is also distressed and clearly in turmoil  about watching his remaining child going to war.
They wave off their daughter who leaves on a coach and then visit their dead son in the grave yard. :'(
You wrote the narration in a melody (I could be wrong) But it's only at the end when lyrics from the song come in.

"Spoiler alert" 
 Although it was a tear jerker It simply does not have much in common with the song. The final cut, A very dark song with a strong sense of an individuals pain and sorrow.
The loneliness of war.
Although I could be wrong about the song I have heard it several times throughout my life. And the era of the band, Pink Floyd are children of the war (pls do not quote me on that) I always thought  the final cut was In reference to the suicide of WW2 soldier.

I really enjoyed this and well done on entering the challenge.

Writer Arena

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2014, 10:53:11 AM »
I enjoyed reading all three of these entries and I have voted.  Well done on entering, everyone.


Alex

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2014, 03:59:23 PM »
Had a read and they are all great scripts and very different and you all deserve to take
a placing in the challenge though unfortunately only one can be the winner.

Oops... Forgot to mention you are all taking a place.

Been so busy I don't have time to post notes though I have voted.

Well done guys.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2014, 04:02:47 PM by Alex »
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Khamanna

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2014, 06:35:50 PM »
Final Cut

Good job on this, nice narration - but I got lost in the characters at the beginning. They don't have lines for me to identify them easily and there are quite a few, all presented in one scene. That's all I've got for you.




Danny

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2014, 01:11:40 AM »

Polly
As a stand alone entry it was kind of funny and the comedy (I'd call it extreme comedy because it did make me laugh outloud) didn't mix with the drama the dark side of it for me for some reason.
[/quote]
It was meant to be a dark, although I was trying to get some quirky dialog in that one scene (the nacho's for dinner a perfect meal for a married couple) I could of executed it better if I didn't leave to the last minute. I learnt a very valuable lesson. And I also felt that maybe I disrespected the group by putting in a script with just 30 hours to go. I'm going to polish it up and post it in perfect.
And thanks Guys for all your feedback.
And @Darren, I'll always put "." after every characters name. 

Writer Arena

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2014, 02:49:22 AM »
Hey all, was out late tonight - almost three in the morning here - and I'm not in any condition to do the who wrote what thingy.  I'll do it in the morning when I wake up.  I'll probably be sleeping in a bit so I will understand if you want to out yourselves for the script you wrote.  Go for it.

In the meantime congrats to  The Devil Went Down To Georgia

Reef Dreamer

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2014, 06:24:34 AM »
Hey Michael, you have a good lie in.

Well, one of them was mine and I can report I had a top three finish - result.

Bit of a last minute job, but again a useful exercise.

Thanks to those who read.

Darren Seeley

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2014, 07:10:32 AM »
Nice job to all that entered. As I expected, there wasn't a huge turnout, but I wasn't expecting just three....including my own entry The Devil Went Down To Georgia. I see it more or less like the game challenge last month. A 'just for fun' adaptation..but there isn't much of an incentive to really write it. Maybe that's just me I 'spose. Before I get into Devil, let me share the ones I considered, none of which were on the suggestions list.

Papa Loved Mama by Garth Brooks
Jerry Was A Race Car Driver by Primus
Life In The Fast Lane by The Eagles
Take The Money and Run by Steve Miller

But I went with Charlie Daniels Devil Went Down Yo Georgia because to me it was not only an ultimate no-brainer, but also with its spin on the Faustian legend, I felt it was something I can play with for a few pages. As an inside joke, I put in a subtle film reference.

I chose to add a few new elements - the personality of the Devil/Faust, Johnny's brother. If the Devil is a cheat and a thief, it would make sense to me that the golden fiddle would be gained by such means. I also wanted some motivation character-wise. In the song, Johnny is simply somewhere in/near the woods, playing by himself when the Devil happens along. Nowhere in the song does it mention the traditional crossroads - although part of that is folklore. It seemed like a nice visual to add.

Thanks for your timne to read.
Now back to writing stuff that don't make a lick of sense...:)




Dave Troop

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2014, 08:09:38 AM »
Just so everyone doesn't think Bill voted for himself, I voted for The Final Cut.
;)

Reef Dreamer

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2014, 09:14:12 AM »
Thanks Dave - with just three entries I didn't feel I should vote, so I abstained.

Interesting challenge. Wish I had has more time.

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2014, 12:18:39 PM »
Who wrote what:

The Devil Went Down To Georgia by Darren Seeley
Polly by Danny Lambert
The Final Cut by Bill Sarre

Good work all.  The challenge board has been updated.

Alex

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Re: WC8 - Story Songs - Vote
« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2014, 01:08:58 PM »
Well done guys and you better get ready for the fun challenge coming up on the 1st March. Great Prize as well. See post.
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