Author Topic: WC7 - Get Stuffed  (Read 574 times)

Writer Arena

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WC7 - Get Stuffed
« on: November 17, 2013, 01:59:41 PM »
Get Stuffed by Alex Sarris

Having mom’s Thanksgiving recipe, doesn’t guarantee it will turn out the same.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2013, 09:59:57 AM by Writer Arena »

Reef Dreamer

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2013, 07:49:32 PM »
with a whole christmas, err thanksgiving, turkey!!

i did wonder where this one was going.

the twist at the end was a little meh for me. for a short i was trying to keep a track of the characters what they were like and meant to be doing.

i like the idea of something going wrong in a kids play/pageant but i think this just needed a little more and a bit of clarity. I wasn't quite sure what they were trying to do with the boy on the service tray/trolley?

i did like the how we gonna repeat that last line

all the best

denamckinnon

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2013, 12:13:19 PM »
What a pretty turkey on the title page! I thought I was the only one who liked to break the rules :)  Hmmmmm...

I like dark slugs. I dunno why, I just do.

Now from the word go...I'm wondering why these kids are talking 'different'. Wondering if they are in some sort of speech class or special ed.

I'm not sure I like the concept here...not sure what they were planning on doing. I mean was the vomit part of the skit? And this:  She turns to a pot plant, leans forward, releases....what does that mean? Did she fart or what? I'm a bit confused. Good writing. Just not sure here ;)

Hawkeye

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2013, 02:23:52 PM »
Okay--have to say I'm in the same boat here as others.  I've been around a lot of first graders, and I don't remember them talking that way, unless they had a serious speech impediment.  Just seemed a little weird to me.  Now I didn't get the connection with Eugene inhaling and then the vomiting--did Walter fart, or have dirty underwear?  And then Ms. Iffy throws up in the potted plant.  I almost thought you were going to have the entire class throw up.  Fortunately we didn't get that far.  I did like the last line--nice little drum roll at the end to close out.

This wasn't written badly at all--obviously a steady hand at work here--just wasn't really sure about the way it got to where it was going.  Pretty solid effort, though, in my opinion.

Gary
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grademan

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2013, 01:44:44 AM »
This was weird from dialog to having children “smoke” a peace pipe to a boy in a diaper  to mass vomiting. The writer has a strange yet unique view so kudos on that. The closing line was okay. The baste comment felt forced.

Alex

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2013, 04:07:13 PM »

An interesting story and I have to say I didn't thing the dialogue was to bad.

My 6 year old doesn't roll his rrrr's and does say things like "Fwogs" so I can relate to the dialogue.
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LC

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2013, 06:30:25 PM »
Yuk, this one pretty much spoiled my appetite.

I enjoyed the set-up a lot, pretty solid writing, enjoyed the onomatopoeia, and liked the name choice of: Ms Iffy, but the rest wasn't really entertaining to me.

Are we to believe that these kids could do all this on cue? This is the type of story that perhaps only first graders can appreciate, and even then...

I do want to ask the writer seeing as this is an anon challenge why the 'dead giveaway'?

Khamanna

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #7 on: November 22, 2013, 06:44:16 PM »
I liked the beginning here but not sure I understood the visuals in the end.

One thing - this supposedly something a teacher wrote for the little ones to perform, in other words its supposed to be a stage play written by a teacher. Hard to imagine a teacher would write that. Or did I misunderstand the requirements? Might be...

At any rate it is gripping at the beginning and not so toward rhe end.

Lots of "as" clauses...

Dave Troop

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2013, 08:28:32 AM »
I liked the turkey on the title page as well.  No need for the fancy copyright warning as this one is pretty safe...;)

Not really sure about this one.  Not that I'm above grade school, immature humor, but, it's a little much.

I didn't get the accents of the children?  Mass vomiting?  Is a dipper anything like a diaper?

It was a unique take on the pageant theme... but what exactly should I be thankful for?

Good effort.  Thanks for entering.

Writer Arena

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #9 on: November 23, 2013, 09:09:22 AM »
Tsk!

Whilst this wasn't something a teacher would produce for her first grade class I did think it had some good gross humour in it.   The dialogue with the speech impediments needs to go, however, because it got a bit annoying to read.  Also, what's a plump dipper? 

Good work.

LC

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2013, 11:03:32 AM »
I really wish writers wouldn't put pics at the top of their screenplays. Even as misdirection, it's not a good idea imh.

I wouldn't have voted/reviewed any differently, but considering this was Dena's 'trademark' and it is not her work... need I say more.

Writer Arena

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2013, 10:00:07 AM »
Author names have been updated

Alex

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Re: WC7 - Get Stuffed
« Reply #12 on: November 29, 2013, 12:49:55 PM »
Hey guys and thanks for all your comments.

Hope I didn't throw you all to much, though I did think a bit outside the box with this one.

Two turkeys stuffing and basting a kid for thanksgiving, does put a slight twist on the usual scenario. Hee Hee

Yes, I know it's a bit sicko but after all, we are screenwriters with wild imaginations.

Truth is, I wasn't going to enter this challenge, though did it to keep the numbers up for Michael.

Regards Alex
 
PS. thought the graphics on the cover would make a few think it was Dena's... Sorry Dena.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2013, 12:54:26 PM by Alex »
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It takes 15 years to be an "Overnight Success"

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It takes 15 years to be an "Overnight Success"

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