Author Topic: WC#6 - Again  (Read 557 times)

Writer Arena

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WC#6 - Again
« on: October 13, 2013, 07:57:46 AM »
Again by Khamanna Iskandarova

Short, Horror

A hit and run driver, consumed with guilt, starts to exhibit the same injuries as his victim.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2013, 03:18:28 PM by Writer Arena »

denamckinnon

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2013, 09:48:31 AM »
To start off...I saw 9 pages and smiled :)

I did like the cat thing(even though quite cliche) but then she says she saw a No Phone sign?? What is that? I have never seen one of those before.

Her dialogue after she hits someone is on the nose. I can't imagine someone saying that if that happened. I also feel like the phone thing wasn't very original to get her attention off of the road, even though that happens every minute in today's society.

When she talks to Nora that seemed a bit strange too and Leper....was a bit of a stretch for me. And the thing about catching leprosy from Nora was original but it was just hard to buy into.

The dialogue then between David and her and the flesh falling off at the piano hall....I dunno..this one just wasn't for me. But really good on completing the challenge.

LC

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2013, 01:47:21 PM »
Well this story definitely has a creative idea behind it. I think it's a great idea, especially as your main character belives she has contracted something when it's clearly all in her head - a sort of medical paranoia. You also had a good set up with the 'disease' for horror images though I don't think you utilised that opportunity half as well as you could have.

On the technical side this does need quite a bit of fixing both in dialogue and in spelling and grammar - 'diseases' 'deceases', as one sp. example.

Quite apart from that I really enjoy the 'story' component of this. Good job.




Hawkeye

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2013, 03:15:42 PM »
First of all, congrats on getting through the challenge.  To me, the biggest hurdle is to get something on the computer and get it entered.  Now, as the others have mentioned, the difficult part for me here is the number of grammatical errors here, because after awhile, you begin to look more at the dialogue and action for whether there are errors than trying to review it for the story itself.  In this case, I read the story twice, the first critically as to grammar and structure, and the second time as to the story itself.

So the second reading, just looking at the story and the content and the characters, this fared better for me when I disregarded the grammatical aspect.  Gina is obviously concerned about contracting leprosy from someone she hit, but in all honesty, she was being a bit of a dick about it.  She mentions that she may have killed someone, but she didn't have time to deal with that because she had a concert coming up.  She deserved anything bad that came her way, for sure.  The story itself was fine, it just needs some cleaning up to get it in working order.  Good luck!

Gary
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Dave Troop

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2013, 01:54:17 AM »
Yes, I agree.  Thanks for entering the contest.  I applaud your bravery...;)

There are some things I noticed as far as formatting.
DAVID (IN THE PHONE) should be DAVID (V.O.)
Some of your sluglines are missing NIGHT or DAY,etc.

DESCRIPTIONS

The descriptions could have been tighter in some spots.  You don't always have to use full sentences.  Such as...

Gina’s car bumps into another sedan, which was exiting the driveway. The sedan bumps into a tree and immediately falls
into a honking mode.

A sedan backs out onto the street from a driveway.  Gina's car crashes into it,  pins it against a tree.  A steady car horn blares.

A NURSE in a white robe enters Nora’s driveway.
A white robe?  Now it's getting good.

I liked the cat, too.  Not so much a horror film cliche as a horror film staple.

Watch for spelling and grammar mistakes.  They are noticeable.


DIALOGUE

I agree that the dialogue after the crash doesn't sound natural.  Gina might be thinking it, but would she actually say it?

"You can’t take a bath now. We are about to sing Happy Birthday to you. "
I thought this was odd since David and Gina were alone in the house.

OVERALL

Okay, I liked your concept.  Gina does finally show some guilt and returns to Nora's house.  However, Gina seems more selfish than remorseful.

The reveal ...Gina's skin disease is all imagined.  Leper is Nora's last name.  Okay.  A stretch, but okay.

The dialogue needs work.  Needs to sound more natural.  This gets easier the more you write.

Good work.  Thanks for submitting.



alffy

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2013, 08:03:28 AM »
SPOILERS!!

The dialogue is a bit too on the nose for the most part.  And some seems very strange; Gina seems more worried about missing her concert than the person she may or may not have just hit.

The 'Leper' misunderstanding was a bit far fetched but did make it stand out from the other entries I've read so far.  I just think this needs a bit more work, especially the dialogue, to take it to the next level.

A decent effort.

CoopBazinga

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2013, 01:19:37 AM »
I think the author is being a tad over descriptive in the car: driver’s seat, changes the ignition to D – this isn’t a driving test. Keep it simple and maybe reflect her mood, happy because she’s just gave a great performance.

“DAVID (IN THE PHONE)” Never seen this before – hopefully you don’t mean David is literally in the phone like Honey I shrunk the kids. ;D

The dialogue isn’t great here, I’m unsure what Gina is talking about with the cat and its owner – it sounds like she wanted to run over the cat.

A no phone sign… Do they exist? I’ve never seen one of them and it makes me wonder why there would be one. I guess on a plane or hospitals but why on a road?

“which was exiting the driveway.” What driveway?

Oh, yes! Gina is a right diva so the reader immediately wants her to get what’s coming.

Why does Nora want Gina to call her dad? Maybe an ambulance would be wise but didn’t she just leave her driveway, not to mention this is a no phone zone.

“Sirens blare in the distance.” So she didn’t actually need to call anyone… I don’t understand why Gina is running away? Nora seems fine; this could easily be put down as an accident. In some ways, you could argue its Nora’s fault for not checking before leaving the driveway.

Is day or night at David’s house? I’m just trying to establish how long since the accident… straight after, the next morning?

Good job with Gina, I really hate her and I think that’s your goal so excellent work.

It’s Gina’s birthday all of a sudden – I’m finding some of the character interactions a little odd. He says “we are about to sing” so I take it there is actually more people in the room with them?

Probably should have a new slug or at least a mini-slug for when Gina enters the bathroom or her dialogue should be (o.s)

Who is David? Her boyfriend, manager or both? He’s not very likeable either. He doesn’t seem to be showing much compassion for Gina’s condition.

“Nora idles (in) a scooter” on a scooter.

Gina found Nora quite easily in the end. Why is she looking for her again? I must have missed the reason.

How does Nora ride a scooter when her arm and leg are in casts? It sounds difficult.

What a rude nurse – it did give me a chuckle though. :)

Nurse Betty… like the movie.

Okay, so maybe the nurse isn’t rude… Leper is her surname.

Nora remembers the “day” but in the flashback it’s at “night”

The flashback didn’t really clear up the mistake… actually, I feel a little for Gina because I would have thought Nora had leper as well from what she said. I guess it’s more to do with the fact that she just runs away because she doesn’t want to lose her beauty.

Huh? Does Nora ride her scooter into the house? The way it’s written, she does, so you might want to clear that up. If she does ride it in and also slams the door at the same time, I take my hat off to her, that’s an impressive skill especially considering she’s dressed like a mummy. ;D

Gina’s last line didn’t work for me. I found it odd that Gina doesn’t discover that she’s fine at the end, and that means the character doesn’t get a resolution or change at all. Maybe that’s her punishment, to believe she has this disease forever.

I think the story is clear so good job there – a diva’s supposed best traits (beauty/pianist) is taken away because of her vanity. I also like that you chose to use a different method so instead of physical injuries, it’s all in her head. Main weakness of the story was that nobody was even in the slightest likeable, not even the victim Nora, who came off a bit bitchy to me.

The writing was okay, but the dialogue could do with some work because it read unnatural and confusing at times.

Good job and congrats on completing the challenge. :)

Steve.

Danny

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2013, 08:29:00 PM »
I think It's just a case of a re-write and thinking everything through just a touch more. The Characters, dialogue,scene and action lay out. And Grammar! Welcome to the party pal, as I too miss silly things that I should not.

I Agree with most comments but not all, so I won't drag this on. When Gina gets to the car, Nora saying leper . Gina asks what can she do? and Gina's reply is "run"

I found it all confusing at the end and after second read I realised It was  a threat from Gina to run as before I thought it was, Run save your self type of thing.

I think a re-write would be worth a look.

And I'm assuming like myself you had no one to proof read it for you?

Thanks anyway   

Alex

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2013, 02:14:22 PM »
Well done at entering the challenge and getting your work out for us to read. It always takes guts though we are a nice mob here and will only give you our honest opinions and feedback so some thick skin may be a prerequisite.

A word of advice, put a copyright clause at the bottom of your cover page so that no low-life steals it.

Her slim fingers run on the keys up and down" reads awkward ? maybe "Her slim fingers run up and down the keys"

     DAVID
(into phone)     - do not cap this
The professor’s here, promised to
play. Don’t be late, okay.

"Gina slams the phone shut" it's a mobile phone ?? How can you slam it shut ? The screen would crack ?? Hee Hee
Oops could be one of the older style flip phones ??? didn't think of that ???

"his back turned Gina" ? to Gina ?

GINA
You get higher chance to get
infected.
Sounds awkward !!! You've got a higher chance of getting infected ????

"Her eyes sparkle with horror" is this possible ? Sparkle with Horror ??? Seems a strange way to phrase it !!!

I have to admit that once I got to the end I felt rather depressed and the truth is it wasn't due to the story. Sorry to say !!!

The action lines did feel rather flat and IMHO it really needed something more to make the tension felt. More Oomph... Maybe more emphasis on highlighting important words ???

The dialogue does need work and does sound unrealistic in parts, though that was not the biggest problem I found, I really felt some of the dialogue did confuse me as I had to return and read it as it felt like it went off on a different tangent.

I hope you take my thoughts above as my opinion on the screenplay, as I am not trying to have a dig or anything though want to genuinely point out what does need work.

I feel this writer has been around the screenwriting boards for sometime and the biggest difficulty may be that English is not her/his first language. Believe me even being born into the English language does not make it any easier.

Good luck and hope you know where I am coming from.

« Last Edit: October 17, 2013, 11:42:26 AM by Alex »
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Reef Dreamer

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2013, 09:10:47 PM »
Again

is this the second leper scripts - weird coincidence
i find davids reaction strange, and hers as well - if i have chunks of flesh falling off i would be a tad concerned and not playing the piano
arh, but it is leper ...nice

overall this didn't quite work for me, but i did like the twist and the idea of something having an affect rather than it actually happening

in terms of her desire to be pianist i think we should 'see' more desire rather than have her repeat it.

all the best

Khamanna

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Re: WC#6 - Again
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2013, 09:43:48 PM »
Thanks guys for reading and feedback. I knew it's not going to be the highlight of the challenge - :), and warned you about wasting your time, but you insisted on it. I'm not going to get back to it - somehow this one wore me off. I don't want to reread/rewrite - don't believe in it. But I enjoyed reading your work and overall it was a very nice challenge. Something very different from the others.